Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Randomize
