Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
