I will die if light touches me.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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