imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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