Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
