I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize