His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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