don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.