It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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