My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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