The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
