I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
