The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
