Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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