Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
