I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
should my penis look like a turkey
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
