I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
