I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
