I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
