ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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