Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Randomize
