Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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