Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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