Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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