If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
