The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
