Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
