I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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