I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
