I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
