if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
BRING THE BAGELS
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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