i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just gift wrapped bread.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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