I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Randomize