he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
