Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Randomize
