You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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