I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Randomize
