So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
