So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
