When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
