Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
