census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's just like the Real World with babies
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
