I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
my phone needs a breathalizer
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
