thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
