I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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