She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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