You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
