Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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