god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
