One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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