I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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