You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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