I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
