i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
