gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
