is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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